What Can Be Gained From This Decision?

I got an email from an old friend.  Well...I say friend, but in reality I haven't had any contact with her for over two years.  Over the years, I have reached out and tried to make contact, but never received a reply.  She wasn't close enough that I would go through any emotional trauma...so my life progressed without her in it.

Then, on Sunday night, quite out of the blue, I received an email from her.  "Hey Simon," began the email, "we haven't spoken in a while.  Congrats again on your book last year."  Then the email launches straight into what read like a copy-and-paste job from some form letter.  She wanted my help to vote for something she's doing and tell people about it on my blog. 

I found it remarkable that someone who has basically ignored me for a long time had the audacity to email me, offer some fake congratulations for something I did 10 months ago then immediately ask for something. 

In my mind, I started to pen my reply.

Option 1 - Sarcasm: 

Dear X,

So good to hear from you.  It has been a while since last we talked.  I think that's because you stopped returning my calls or emails.  But now that you've emailed me out of the blue when you need something, I'd be glad to help.  You can count on my vote.

- Simon

Option 2 - Honesty: 

Dear X,

What a surprise. I never thought I'd ever hear from you again. If I'm honest, I'm a little taken aback how you all but ignore me for two years then email me only when you need something.  Under different circumstances, I would have been happy to support you, but given these circumstances, I feel quite uncomfortable doing so and won't be voting for you or lending any support.  I wish you luck and perhaps our paths will cross again under nicer conditions,

- Simon

Option 3 - To the point:

Dear X,

No. 

- Simon

Which to send, which to send, which to send?

To help me decide, I applied a little test.  Whenever there is a hard decision, especially one that involves emotions, I ask myself, "what can be gained from this decision?" And the answer was, for all the options: nothing. If I sent a reply of any sorts, all I would be doing is satisfying my own ego and getting in a jab or a last word. At best, I wouldn't get a reply from her and at worst I'd unleash a potentially bloody battle.  In other words - there was nothing to be gained from sending any reply.  And so I sent nothing.

So often we're faced with decisions that are almost completely emotional. The impact can sometimes agitate a neutral situation or exacerbate an already bad one. The decisions we make should have a positive impact on us, our lives, our jobs, the people around us and even our competitors or opponents. If nothing can be gained by a decision, then that decision should be left alone...which can achieve the greatest gain of all: peace of mind.

Download a PDF of this post

Comments

[Justin Bieber Supra]

Seriously I like your writings always, your a wise man..
I passed alot with like that situations, at the beginning I was like to help just to open a new door to return as the past, but when I understand the life positively, I`ve leived that it`s better to forget who`s forgetten you!
So I prefer to ignore it and don`t send any reply!

[Jsviolet]

If I were you, then I will think about me.
Ask myself.(and now I am reflecting for myself..)
"For my life, did I have such heart like her?"
"now, do you have any selfish heart?"
"Will I lost my love because of the fault of the others?"
"What is the best way to help her to grow inward?"
and so on...

In every cases, we can learn.
about my shortages...
from any positive or negative things, that is no matter.
The negative things can make me wake up strongly.

[Missie]

she is a social butterfly

[Sally]

It seems like you chose Option 4 - blogging about it without naming her, but assuming she will read it and feel like a total ass.

I think this is the best :)

[X3msnake]

I'd say there was a 4th option,Invoking a response as real as the compliment.

- Saying yes and then doing nothing haha :)

[Brian C Nissen]

It is difficult to make decisions when we are emotionally charged. Of course had you said yes to her request, you could have kept the peace and given her something that you know in your heart that she could never repay you for and forgiven her at the same time, giving you back the power, and discharging the emotion. Best Regards B.

[Steve]

Simon -
I agree and echo comments of "Get Business Online". And, "SiMo_Folife" was totally and completely right on regarding the question, "how does not responding help inspire her to do what inspires her?".

Surely you could have written back, stating how wonderful it was to hear from her after so long. Then, simply adding that while you encourage her to continue following her passion and discovering her why, before endorsing anyone, there is typically quite a bit of inspiration drawn from what they do over a period of time, and being that you've just been introduced to what she's doing, it's too early to publicly endorse her. Maybe even saying you haven't ruled it out, but feel it's wise to let some time pass before taking such action.

Seems reasonable to me. And, a vote on a website is probaly a kind way to take a step to BUILD the relationship you've been asking for over a period of time. Yes, she is probably selfishly simply looking for some 'heavy hitting' endorsement from a fantastic author and leader to help build her own ego, is that really in alignment with who you are, your values, your purpose, your why?

I'm sure any of the replies above AND ignoring her both satisfy your ego - you can't get around it - we all have one to deal with. (In fact, I'm aware enough to realize this post - my first on your blog - is also satisfying mine... thank you.) But, let's not pretend by ignoring her and posting this blog entry, that we're ascending above our ego. Right?

I LOVE what you do... bought the book and tell everyone about it. You inspire me to do what inspires me. And for that, I thank you.

Lastly, congrats on staying true to the quip, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

:) Much love.

[Laura Lee Bloor]

Good call on writing several drafts. Too often I have fallen victim to just firing off my first response -- rarely a good idea when emotions are running high.

[Neil]

I plead guilty to all three charges your honour!

I am reformed man. Of course no response is the best response. Could have saved myself some grief if I hadn't let my ego control the situation rather common sense.

I haven't read the book but guess what I'm doing this weekend?

[JGD]

I liked this posting but I feel that you DID make a decision. It was a decision to "not respond".If you agree with me, I would rewrite the last statement in the post.

[CathyD]

Interesting post. And interesting comments. I think I'd be inclined -- at first blush, anyway -- to go with Option #2. That being said, I have gone with Option #2 in certain somewhat similar situations in the past, and it has netted me exactly nothing. (That is, no response from the other person.)

Have never thought about just not responding. Maybe I'll do that next time I'm in any kind of a similar situation.

[Mary Beth]

Love this Simon. Only kindness matters . . .

[Angela Schaefers]

option #4

dear X-

Good to hear from you, at last! I am happy to assist you in your endeavor and am glad we have finally reconnected. I realize life gets busy, yet I hope now that we have reconnected we can maintain our friendship more closely and help one another in the pursuit of our goals!

Sincerely,
- Simon

[Jody]

Simon,

Tee, hee. I laughed out loud when I read this latest posting. I love that you shared an honest response about the process your mind, ego and heart went through in response to such e-mail request.

Wise decision to choose letting it go.

Jody
http://peapublishing.com/

[Get Business Online]

Simon, although you didn't send X any of your responses, you did choose to vent in public. Was that not a way of feeling more noble or powerful?

Having said that, I'm glad you did, because (again) it got me thinking.

[SiMo_Folife]

hmm... i must admit -- i consider myself (probably like most) your biggest fan (mobilizing flocks of co-workers, friends, and family to (1) your TED talk and then (2) the book. It's nothing but brilliant!

I'm probably way out of place here, but that doesn't pass your celery test brother. How does that inspire her to do what inspires her? Given that she is employing an opportunist mechanism to reach a self-serving end, and given that you don't want to concede to that dynamic, where is Option 4. Not vote, not to promote her, but to encourage her to pursue her passion.

I know I'm probably alone on this one, BUT inspire me to understand how this furthers the cause?

[Laura]

Simon,

So glad you decided to pen 3 response and then think about them all. The truth is, like you said in your post, nothing is to be gained by any option. A non reply is just as clear. I think she got the point. And I am so proud of you as I am of myself when I, on the rare occasion can do this, because it is always easier to respond in emotion. It makes us feel vindicated, justified, and righted...but only in that moment. It's never worth it in the long run. Congrats!

Laura

[Larry Hehn]

Good call, Simon. Now that I'm a bit "older and wiser" I tend to write a lot more responses than I send.

How liberating it is to craft the ultimate sarcastic response and then delete it, knowing that both I and the potential recipient are better off without it.

[adjie, Jakarta]

Simon,

You're wise man, you have three option to entertain your emotion by writing 3 answer but not executed. Yeah it is the right way doing so and you gain something from the right decision.

I like your post it is really inspiring to step back and thinking first then do the right things

[Leda Sammarco]

Hi Simon,

Great blog post. Very witty too!

What I really like is your decision at the end. It's the kind of decision I would have made, but sometimes I wonder whether I'm just being too soft or not saying what I really feel. Your post reminded me that we always have an opportunity to go to a deeper place and choose wisely.

I do like your three possible replies - great way to get some perspective and get it out of your system at the same time.

[Katie Jones]

Simon....

.... :)

[Chris Jones]

Well, it IS a great book. I mean, that part is right.

This morning I read a blog post by a PR professional who should know better complaining about how he missed voting yesterday because he didn't know about it, then listing all the ways he had either cut himself off from the community or that the community probably didn't have the resources to reach him. And I found myself with exactly your dilemma.

I made a different choice. I went for honesty. I said it sounded to me like he had created a radar that was focused on himself, then complained when it didn't illuminate anything but what was already on it. I always fear that I won't be able to do that kind of thing correctly, but it seemed to me that here was a person that needed someone to point out that he was making a mistake. Probably I'll get flamed for it. I hope not. But if I care about him, do I not have the responsibility to tell him when I think he's doing something wrong? Even if I know I'm going to suck at it? If I understand Paul, he's saying a similar thing above.

I don't always make this choice. Mostly, I opt for nothing, as you did. It's safer. But I'm never sure I'm doing the right thing when I do.

P.S. Your name was had for good in front of all the world last night during pr20chat on Twitter. I told on you. Who takes the time to call a commenter, just to tell them thanks? I mean, really! You want a fan for life, you got one. That was excellently well done.

[Abeer]

Dear Simon,
Seriously I like your writings always, your a wise man..
I passed alot with like that situations, at the beginning I was like to help just to open a new door to return as the past, but when I understand the life positively, I`ve leived that it`s better to forget who`s forgetten you!
So I prefer to ignore it and don`t send any reply!

[Valerie Hart]

Hmmm maybe you should just send her a link this blog post...

Then maybe, just maybe, she may have the opportunity to have a "life lesson", you know—like the "Golden Rule", or "He that hath no sin... let him cast the first..." "Life is just a mirror..." [love that one].

You know what I mean, all the lessons that YOU already know...

[Alex]

Option 4 - Post her rivals voting information on your blog ;)