I am fascinated by airports. There are few, if any, other places you can visit where such a diverse cross section of society comes together in the same place. Young and old, yuppies, hippies, stoners, rednecks -- they all roam the airport in a sort of social Noah’s Ark where at least two of everything is represented.
It is from this diverse pool of the general public that our airline seatmates are plucked. When we're travelling alone, we don’t have a say in choosing our seatmate. It’s just a luck of the draw. At times, that friend-for-the-flight lottery can be quite unnerving. We’ve all sat on the plane watching the menagerie of personalities getting on board, hoping the one we like the look of will sit next to us. Crestfallen as they pass us for a seat two rows behind, we pray that the excessively obese, sweaty gentleman pushing his way down the aisle will not be our five-hour companion, if for no other reason than because we hope to use both armrests and be able to get up to go to the bathroom at least once during the flight.
Sometimes we may be the object of enticement or derision to the person who got to our row before we did. This was the case of my seatmate this week. A middle-aged woman with short salt-and-pepper hair and tortoiseshell glasses sat in the aisle seat next to mine reading her book pretending I didn’t exist as I stood next to her lifting my case into the overhead compartment. I think she was hoping I wouldn’t be sitting next to her because most people look up and politely ask “are you sitting here?” so they can move aside to let me in. She didn’t even look up, let alone speak to me. I actually had to say "excuse me" to her so she could let me in. She was visibly unimpressed.
I smiled knowing that this one person would have a significant influence over my flight experience. She didn’t smile back. Instead, acting like someone had just asked her to prepare for a root canal, she begrudgingly angled her legs to one side so I could squeeze past. I think people who act like this are kind of funny, so it rarely if ever bothers me when I interact with them in life. All that grimacing and sighing they do to make sure I know how I much I am inconveniencing them must be quite stressful (comedic for me, but stressful for them). With each snort and groan, it’s clear they never figured out it’s a lot less stressful to just be nice or accommodating for someone else every now and then.
Given the experience I just had getting to my seat, I knew what this flight was going to be like. I’d be putting on my headphones, and, for the duration of the trip, we’d ignore each other except when forced to interact. In any other circumstance, there would be no reason to talk about her, let alone write an entire column about her. But something happened early on in the flight that I didn’t expect. It wasn’t so much what she did but how I reacted to what she did that surprised me. This taught me a simple but valuable little lesson.
Once we were at cruising altitude, the flight attendant came down the aisle to ask us if we wanted an omelet or cereal for breakfast. I chose the cereal and so did my seatmate. A few minutes later, the flight attendant returned to say that there was only one cereal left and asked if one of us would mind having the omelet instead. I was about to turn to my seatmate and say, “You have the cereal, I don’t mind having the omelet,” when, before the words even left my mouth she piped up, “I’ll have the cereal.” I actually felt myself getting angry. General politeness dictates at least turning to the other person and offering or asking.
We all know the proverb “the more you give, the more you get.” And we all intellectually know that being a giver is a good thing. But in an instant, I understood what that idea means more clearly than ever before. It’s not the act of giving that matters; it's having a mindset of giving that matters. Is it nice to give to others? Of course. But what engenders rapport with other human animals is when they perceive us as having that giving mindset. This woman I was sitting next to was a taker. She totally lacked the giving mindset, and, as a result, I really dislike her. I was expecting to ignore her and enjoy my flight, but now I can’t help myself looking over at her and giving her looks of pity. I’m actually writing this piece with her sitting next to me, and I’ve made no attempt to angle the screen. I actually hope she’s reading over my shoulder.
If others perceive we have a giving mindset, they are more likely to get what they want in the first place. The net result to this lady was the same. She would have got the cereal had I offered it to her or if she had just taken it. The difference is, in an instant, I don’t like her, don’t trust her and don’t want to help her. All she had to do was to turn to me and say, “Would you mind if I had the cereal,” demonstrating a giving mindset simply by showing concern for my wants or needs, and I’d be lifting her case out of the overhead when we land without her even asking. Now, well, I may or may not. And if I do, it will be more for me, to reinforce that I’m still a giver or as a way to be snarky with her (nothing is worse than when someone we don’t like does something nice for us. I’d be that guy to her).
In either circumstance, even though the act of taking her case down would be one of giving, it wouldn’t be motivated by that giving mindset. The act would not be a true act of generosity or kindness. And the reason it wouldn’t be is not because of me or her but because of how we interacted.
At various times, we all forget that we’re forced to share more than a row on an airplane with a stranger. We’re forced to share highways, subway cars, sidewalks, offices, schools, neighborhoods, cities, and countries with them, too. We all forget that our own happiness is not solely based on how we live our lives; it’s very much influenced by how others live theirs also. How we’re treated impacts how we feel, daily. Even if for selfish reasons we want to go about our business, do our own thing and live our happy lives, then it matters that we do so with a giving mindset. Next time we walk through a door, lets all commit to holding open that extra three seconds longer so the person walking behind doesn’t have to catch the door we let go of. If we are the ones who happily step to the side as we walk toward someone on the sidewalk, instead of expecting them to move, we’ll all get to where we’re going a little faster. None of us will miss our flights or our meetings or whatever else we’re rushing off to if we let that one person trying to merge into our lane during rush hour just slip in. And the next time the airline runs out of cereal, just turn to the person you’re sitting next to and say, “You have it.” After all, we don’t know who that person is and if they can help us with something we want or need later. Who cares if we get exactly what we want if we can take some comfort in that we helped someone else get exactly what they wanted.
Simon, this is a great thought provoking piece. It reminded me of something that happened the other day when I held the door open for a mom with two kids and she said nothing. I was so tempted to say loudly "you're welcome," but I realized I was trying to change her and offer something for her to have to possibly explain to her kids. We have to be the example and at the same time not condone rudeness. It's a fine line. Yes there's comfort in doing the right thing, even when there's no reward. Thanks...
Posted by: christopher frawley | 11/28/2012 at 03:54 PM
For a true giver, who is truly in service of his fellow passenger, be it in a flight or in the life, the definition of "giving" is larger.
He, whose core vibrates with this larger sense of giving, lends a hand even, or especially, when the fellow passenger is not nice to him.
Giving when she is nice (or neutral) is easy. To be ready to help, to give, not superficially a bowl of cereal but deeper down having a feeling to lessen the burden of her who has hurt your feeling, takes extra effort. Rich reward, however, awaits him who has taken this extra step, for he has established a deeper harmony with one of the most essential "why" of the life.
I bet that if you had taken this path, she would have volunteered to give not only the cereal but her lunch and dinner to you if you two ever happened to be again the next-seat neighbors.
Posted by: Nand Lal | 03/15/2012 at 11:26 AM
I enjoyed your article a lot. You've given me something to think about the next time I run into someone like this women you met on the plane. I try to remind myself that I don't know what they've gone through that day or week and maybe there's something wrong. Or maybe that's her personality. If so that's sad, but you handled it well. Next time I fly I'm going to yell out, "I WANT THE CEREAL!"
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Posted by: Womens Sandals | 09/23/2011 at 03:40 AM
Thanks for your great story Simon,
If only more folks would live with that giving mindset the world would be such a nicer place.
Posted by: Ed Yaw | 09/16/2011 at 05:35 AM
love the fact that you wrote this as you sat next to her.
Sometimes the smartest response is not to let someone like that ruin your day. Just continue to do what you are doing and let others constantly whinge and whine about how they rank in life's hierarchy.
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Posted by: Red Bull Hats | 06/29/2011 at 11:29 PM
Chuckle, chuckle!
I sat next to the male equivalent of your 'lady' (being female doesn't necessarily equate to being a lady, so I have to wonder why you've chosen to label her as such???) on the way back to Oz from the UK.
It was a very long flight and I too was totally (and very rudely) ignored until we were two hours out of Sydney when he found his voice, thanks to a large Scotch on the rocks.
It was a very loud voice that proclaimed his thoroughly offensive point of view re life generally and especially all those of us that share this planet with him.
I was so embarrassed! The shoe was now firmly placed on the other foot and I kept making "I don't know this person and don't know what he's talking about" faces at all that stood up and looked back to see what all the noise was about. Passing flight attendants cast pitying glances my way as I made every (useless) attempt to bring the 'conversation' to an end.
Man, was I pleased he'd ignored me for the previous 23 hours! I was up and out of the plane faster than I'd ever managed before.
Posted by: Abi | 06/28/2011 at 06:29 PM
Thank you for this wonderful column. I gave this URL to a friend of mine, who was suffering from rudeness of other people. In such situations it is always my role to try to calm him down, to make him respond in a relaxed way, even when I cannot deny he is being treated unfairly.
Your post may help him with this.
Greetings from The Netherlands.
Posted by: Evelien Snel | 06/17/2011 at 07:42 PM
Beautiful to read. Isn't giving, or generosity, the fuel of all economic activity. At the end of the day we strive to add value to customers and create value for shareholders. We try to hold on to talent by giving them in one way or another more than our competitors do.
David Lapin
Author: Lead by Greatness
Posted by: David Lapin | 05/27/2011 at 03:16 PM
Hi Simon
My husband is a global traveller who works with leadership teams. He is naturally an introvert (an INTJ in Myers Briggs terms)doing an extrovert's job. I can't tell you how many times he's prayed for the journey home from airports: that he'll get an exit row seat on the plane(to save on the deep vein thrombosis - he's 6ft 5"); that he won't be interrupted by sniffers; sat on by the obese; spat on by people who eat like washing machines and talked at non-stop. Unlike the extroverts that he works with, he is not solar powered (needing to draw on the energy of others to be able to fully function), he is battery powered and needs to be able to re-charge internally. On so many occassions he has had to select his mood and, inspite of his tiredness, has actually found himself enjoying conversations and journeys that he initially feared would drain him.
Introversion or stress and tiredness (which we all face on the global travel circuit) are never an excuse for selfishness and downright rudeness. We can all choose our attitude, even if we can't choose our seatmates. If you choose to enjoy your 'journey' and make the most of it, 9 times out of 10 it will be a good one.
(loved the 'Finding the Why' by the way - have sent it on to loads of clients and friends). Keep up the great work.
Posted by: Lily Newman | 05/17/2011 at 05:15 AM
Simon,
Thanksfor sharing this insightful, thoughtful, heart-full read on the fabric of everyday human interaction. You would enjoy "Leadership & Self-Deception"(by the Arbinger Insitute) which, through a contemporary parable, zooms in on how you can quite simply "switch on" this mind-set. Just as you said. The technique showcased in the book (that begs for editing, even though t'is a very slim volume, but that's another story) explains how to get oneself out the box. Meethinks there are elements in there that will resonate for you.
ON A SEPARATE NOTE, really, really enjoy your postings, TEDx talks, thoughts. Great soul nourishment. Fab stuff.
Posted by: gilly weinstein | 05/10/2011 at 10:45 AM
Great story,
And a good test for your mercy and patience. This woman shows that she really needs help. And she was waiting for you to show up, to show that you have a mindset of giving, to contradict her behaviour and attitude.
Giving is not always visible, it's an attitude from the heart.
BTW i love the item why.
marien from the netherlands
Posted by: marien van raan | 05/09/2011 at 10:40 AM
As I read I immediately think of two things. Firstly that the women is like her from the devil wears Prada and wouldn't like to appear weak by allowing you to offer her the cereal. And secondly I enjoy it when these situations arise as it tests us. We should cherish these moments and thank the person for the challenge.
Posted by: Mark McGuigan | 05/08/2011 at 07:47 AM
Hi,Simon many of your readers just share your troubled feeling caused by your seatmate.
In a flight, the mind set of your fellow passenger depends on so many issues. As cloudyblue has pointed above, this one of your unpleasant seatmate must have been emotionally upset.
When women feel insecure in any given situation, they might behave in a way to keep men away from them. It is so very common in our place. As long as it doesn't matter to you whether it is omelet or cereal , let the person who is specific take whatever she wants. You are encountering a stranger whose back ground, culture mindset etc., you are not aware of.
The most comfortable mind set as you have concluded, never expect anything for what you give. If what you receive in return is good, then rejoice . If what you receive is hostility ignore and doubly ignore. Never catch up an impression that you are victimized. The giving should only build your inner strength and make you feel superior. If your rational mind is not coming to your help in this direction, just take ten slow deep breathe and you will get a different perspective.
The truth of “Give, thy shall be given” remains the same and eternal.
Posted by: Venkat,India | 05/08/2011 at 07:19 AM
sorry to say, there's way to many people like this. also find that we're a bit ruder today, with our cell phones etc.
a classic one is how people change when they step into their cars.
Posted by: akrokdesign | 05/08/2011 at 03:34 AM
Simon, I was recently introduced to your blog through a friend and this was the first post I read. And I must say, I enjoyed your upbeat perspective.
Your blog has caused me to ask a question of myself and reflect: am I really a giver? Or am I a "victimized" giver where I think I'm doing all this genuine sacrificing and investing in others but really, I'm not? That will be my food for thought for today. :)
Posted by: Fritsched.wordpress.com | 05/07/2011 at 10:41 AM
People like her are "shallow", short sighted, and have no core to attach values to. The proverbial hole in the heart. Entitlement is their birthright. Accountability is manipulated into "judgment" for the sake of not taking responsibility. The giving-mindset-person would love them enough to point that out to them mixed with plenty of Grace. (specially when you don't have to run into them on a daily basis)
Posted by: Gerda Grimshaw | 05/06/2011 at 07:20 PM